THE WHORE NEXT-DOOR
Entry posted by Roxanne Wilde
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A few years ago, I had the dubious honour of living next door to a perfectionist. Someone so damn chaste, boring & so totally without sin that I wanted to throw up whenever I heard her name. Let me acquaint you with Patricia – my non-smoking, non-drinking, no life former neighbour.
Patricia would be in her mid 30s, has an attractive figure, & a laboratory job that appears to be the lynchpin of her life. I suspect that she is a born-again Christian – no one else could stand the banality of her existence. She gets up at the crack of dawn, the hum of her opening garage door momentarily waking me from my slumber. She beetles in her eco-friendly car to her important job, no doubt working to solve world crop shortages or helping to cure cancer. She then makes a beeline straight home to spend her nights on the couch, riveted by The Bill.
I’d been keeping my ear out for bible readings or the soulful plucking of an acoustic guitar to float through the wall, but the woman seemed to have taken a vow of silence. She also didn't receive guests – EVER. For awhile, I suspected her of kidnapping children & eating them, she's that... quiet. This theory worked a treat to deter my kid from lurking about in her yard.
She reads her suitably-pretentious novellas on her back verandah, soaking up the weekend’s morning rays under her big floppy sun hat. She waits for her front lawn to grow like a Cambodian jungle before physically cutting it with a hand mower. She’s a one-woman eco crusade, the poster child for green, clean living.
... Then along came Roxanne, a noxious polluter & troublemaker straight from Sin City. I have a grunt car, screaming kids, wildlife-slaughtering cats, loud friends, boozy get-togethers, crazy spa parties, theatrical boyfriends, & wild marathons of jungle sex that stretch into the wee hours of the morning. Reading it aloud, even I would loathe living next to me.
Patricia HATES it.
*giggle*
For the longest time, I really didn’t give two shits about Patricia & her dull life. I was perfectly content careening through my own sordid affairs, thank you. However, Patricia’s world collided with mine the day she dobbed on me. When she committed this - the ultimate of sins - the gloves came off & my carefree disdain became outrage.
Patricia went to our mutual landlord, complaining of my noise. Apparently, I was a nymphomaniac who inflicted her fragile being with all sorts of scandalous shenanigans. It didn't help that my bedroom wall abutted hers, which meant of course that I had been regaling her regularly with my uninhibited jungle sounds. For a woman who obviously wasn’t getting any, this was simply UNACCEPTABLE.
So, push came to shove & our long-suffering landlord agreed to lay soundproof sheeting against my bedroom wall & around the exhaust fan in the bathroom. This was done in an attempt to shield Patricia’s delicate ears from my slutty carry-ons. However, I could still hear her open & shut her wardrobe door through our wall when I moved out, so I’m guessing it hasn’t done much. Still, it inspired me to wail, ride the bed springs & thump the wall extra hard in my throes of passion. This is just so Patricia didn't feel left out. Aren’t I a caring, sharing kinda gal?
When parking in my driveway, collecting the mail or taking the bins in or out, I made a point of greeting Patricia whenever I saw her. I would paste on the biggest California smile I could muster, along with a blindingly-sunny “HI!” when she inadvertently stumbled into my line of vision. This meant that whenever she was doing something in her front yard when we pulled up, she would usually scuttled into the sanctuary of her house before I could bellow “ALOHA PATRICIA!!!” *megawatt smile* *big cheery Wiggles wave*
So the next time you think to yourself that you don’t get out much, spare a thought for my hermit neighbour Patricia. Imagine having to live vicariously through my carnal exploits, simply because you have none of your own. When you spend your nights leaning up against the wall with a glass in your hand, you should know that’s its time to give internet dating a try.
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