Having just written a few reviews (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) on my recent booking with the amazing Kelly Raines I just wanted to expand on a few concepts here. This may be a surprising comment and I never thought that it’s something I’d say but I’ve learnt that there are so many things to do that are so much more fun than the physical act of sex. During my three days with Kell, we didn’t actually have sex once.
The greatest thing that I have enjoyed out of the last 6 months is learning about myself, about Kell, and about the world around me and how I fit in to it. I suffered from very low self esteem, and was living with a selfish attitude of oh poor me... I haven’t had the best childhood in the world, certainly far from the worst. Coming from a broken home, and living with issues of guilt and having to step up to be the man of the family was not fun. Sickness and death for family around me being a fear constantly in the back of my mind. For those who’ve never met me and don’t know me I’m still only 19 years old. Before 6 months ago I had never so much as held a woman’s hand or even kissed anyone. I’ve never really had any friends or someone who I could talk to. My fears and my selfishness were keeping me in place, not allowing me to move on with my life. Being so isolated for so long had put me in a state where I could only think about myself and how things would affect me, rather than truly letting what was being said by those around me fully sink in.
“Argue your limitations and you get to keep them” – Richard Bach. I was scared of being rejected, saying the wrong thing, truly exposing my inner being to another person for the first time in my life... I’ve conquered my fears, I am a better person for it. I’m learning to observe the people around me, watch what they do, how they react... I see what makes people tick, the subtle words they say to indicate a want or desire, subtle body movements that portray what they are thinking...
What I’ve learnt is that we must not get caught up with the issues and events of the past. The past shapes our future and who we are, but we can’t keep letting the past bog us down, it becomes stagnating, an issue. We can not control anything but our own behaviour and our own reactions and this is what we must ultimately be responsible for. If you stick by your conscience and do what you truly believe in your heart to be the right thing, then it really doesn’t matter what else happens, what people think of you.
“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.” – Richard Bach
The ideas that Kell and I toyed with in our time together, the dolly play, subversive play, sleep play, costume play etc., aren’t the easiest concepts to grasp. I find them a little difficult to explain, I’m truly not the best with words. All you need to do is see some of my earlier posts on this site, and compare them to how I write now and you can see the difference. The thing that I find the most appealing about the dolly play is that it allows me to play out my deeper fantasies guilt free. Dolly is there to be played with, to fulfil my deepest lusts and desires, to be the complete and whole focus of attention.
I guess the point of this blog is just to give a little bit of extra insight into my experiences, into my life. It gives things a little bit more context.