A case of who am I.
Entry posted by errol
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What was I looking for when I first saw an escort?
I have being thinking about the above question quite a bit lately.
The first time I saw an escort, a relationship had just ended and I felt lost because of it. The relationship was very important to me. So important that during the relationship I did not recognise how important it was to me. I took the person for granted. She was everything to me at the time. My whole world revolved around our relationship and ‘us’.
When the relationship ended, it was not either of our faults. There was meddling from third parties (in-laws) that brought ‘us’ to the end. We did not speak for 4 years. At times I did feel socially isolated because we shared so many friends and interests that everywhere I went I ran into the broken relationship.
Was I looking for closure by seeing an escort? The answer was quite easy to answer by saying no. But, recently I have begun to think that answer is more complicated that the finality of the word no. In many ways I was looking for closure but not in the way you think. I believe I was looking for a way to justify or validate the relationship ending. By seeing the escort I was saying to myself ‘Look mate you are not worthy of such a relationship. See what you just did. Someone who deserves a relationship like that would not do this.’
I can say now that my thinking was based on the thinking of someone who did not understand what world he had just dipped his toe in. The truth of course is much more mundane. Punters are all sorts from every conceivable background.
So what was I looking for? I believe know it was intimacy. Was it wrong to look for intimacy by seeing an escort? Yes. Did I find intimacy seeing an escort? Kind of and I did find that it made me feel better about myself.
After 3 goes at seeing an escort I saw an escort who would become someone I would see for over 3 years. Did I find intimacy in this relationship? Yes, but, it was a different to any type of intimacy from what I had found until that point. It was not your typical close personal relationship you have with friends and lovers. She was my adventure buddy. We explored each other and how we fit into the world we found ourselves in, we explored what it meant to be ourselves as individuals, we explored the local area and cafes, we explores our hobbies and our taste in movies an music, we explored how our pasts have shaped who we are, we pushed each other, we tested each other, we challenged each other, but most importantly we created a world where we could feel comfortable to explore ourselves in this world.
How did this relationship begin? Well, at first it was like any normal punter and escort relationship. No secrets were revealed, at least not for many visits. We first connected over our shared interests in photography. Then came our interests in music. Around this time we became very comfortable with each other. This time is when we created our own kind of intimate relationship. It snuck up on both of us.
Was this a positive relationship? Absolutely! You might remember that earlier on I mentioned that I felt socially isolated before I first saw an escort. Well some might know that feeling socially isolated can be an antecedent to feelings of depression. Well I can say that I was not depressed but I was headed that way. Finding this relationship was a major impact and helped shape my current life. She helped me find the confidence to be successful in my career, take more risks and try many things I would not have tried otherwise.
She has now retired and I have had other girlfriends. Some girlfriends have only lasted a month others much longer. But, I am a much better person, boyfriend, and friend because of our relationship
So what is the meaning of my ramblings above? That is for you to work out.
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