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Fucked Over In Mumbai



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An opportunity presented itself a few years back to spend a period working in Mumbai. I recall even now the first night, arriving at the hotel. It was very much a 5-star place and a far cry from the poverty that was rife on the drive between the airport and the hotel. After checking in, I was approached by a member of the concierge team who reminds me in hindsight of Prabaker from excellent Gregory David Roberts’ book “Shantaram”. If you haven’t read the book think short, round Indian face, huge smile with a hundred white teeth and a big black moustache. He came over and intercepted me before the lifts and said “Excuse me Mr Flexi, if there is anything I can do for you during your stay please call me, my name is Rajesh.” “OK thanks mate, very kind of you. I’ll bear it in mind.” “Mr Flexi, I am meaning anything” and he was winking like he had a gnat in his eye.


Weeks went by and there was a growing need for some relief, in fact I was as horny as a white rhinoceros. Raj’s words sprang to mind. It was still quite early in the evening and after quite some procrastination I called him up. Within seconds (or so it seemed) he was tapping on my door. I was thinking if he operates this quickly we should be up and running in an hour or so. Anyway Raj goes through his spiel, Bollywood movie star, very beautiful, very easy to get along with, do everything, very friendly, 6500 rupees, go tomor… Wait, wait, wait, 6500 rupees, that sounds a lot (A$250 seemed a lot given where we were and when we were). He started to persuade. The value of this fine woman…, very gorgeous…, da da da da, pick her up before breakfast… and then I got it, it was 6500 rupee for the night. My enthusiasm peaked as he continued. “Tomorrow night after work we take tuk tuk, we go pick out beautiful girl. I suggested he go and pick the nicest one and bring her back but he didn’t want the responsibility. Equally I didn’t want anything to do with a tuk tuk having recently seen one squashed as flat as a pancake by a bus. Anyway Raj wouldn’t go alone so I said I’d go but we’d need a taxi and not a tuk tuk.


To cut a long story short, with all this talk and no action I went to bed with the thoughts of an all nighter with a beautiful exotic Bollywood movie star foremost in my mind. Woke up again with a whole different set of thoughts, concerns for hygiene – I’d seen some frightening examples of a lack there of in a few short weeks, HIV, flat tuk tuk, colleague next door inviting himself in for a chat and wondering why there was a lump in my bed (and my trousers), etc, etc. I now had a solid list of reasons in my mind as to why not to go ahead but I’d given Raj 6500 rupees. I called him and he was still on the desk at 2am (he must never go home). He came straight to my room with his big cheesy smile and I told him I’d had second thought and he immediately handed me back the roll of cash. I gave him 1000 rupees for his trouble and he left with his piano keyboard grin.


My time in Mumbai (6 months) will be remembered as a very long dry spell.

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LOL This reminds me of my own experience in Mumbai. After checking into my hotel, the bellboy said pretty much the same thing "If there is anything I can do for you at all, let me know. ANYTHING at all, sir" *wink wink*. At the time I was too jet lagged to take any notice and collapsed in bed snoring. I woke up feeling inexplicably horny. Remembering the bellboy's words, I grabbed the phone to call him up but before I could dial, thoughts of my work, hygiene, STDs, etc. started rushing into my head. After deliberating for about 1/2 hr, I decided not to take the risk. My time in India (not just Mumbai as there were several cities I had to visit) will also be remembered as a long dry spell.

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