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Cookin' with Cozzo


FrancoCozzo1935

1,532 views

This is a copy of a status challenge on PP.

 

Recipe Challenge via PP Status Updates ONLY! Challenge three members to do the same. :)
 

Photo of food must be included (whether yours or from the public domain). More details up to you but most welcome.

 

Thanks @AndyJ for the challenge!

 

WARNING - THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS FC FISTULA'S SENSE OF HUMOR - IF YOU ARE A PRECIOUS SNOWFLAKE THIS IS YOUR WARNING.


How to become a Fat Cunt in 24 easy steps with @FrancoCozzo1935 (TA)!

My recipe today is our family Bolognese pasta sauce, everyone loves a bit of wog food but no doubt you've gone to countless Italian restaurants and opted for the Pasta Bolognese to be sorely disappointed (if not you should be because in my experience they're all fucking fail and AIDS and score 2/10 for taste!)

Feeds approximately 4+ fat cunts or half of Africa.

Shit that you need:

1. Dried basil flakes
2. Chilli Flakes

3. Salt (salty wog ftw)

4. 1x 700g tomato passata
5. 1x decent sized brown onion

6. Garlic (we're using minced because the garlic cloves available locally have been absolutely shitful lately)
7. 4x cans whole peeled tomatoes (preferably Roma or San Marzano if you can get em)
8. Olive oil

9. 800g-1KG of beef mince (preferably Top Side and get it minced from a butcher but we're using shit from IGA today)

9.5. 250-1000g pasta of your choosing.

9.75. Grated/Ground Grana Padano cheese

10. Victoria Bitter (optional)

11. Kleenex (optional)

12. Fleshlight (optional)

Step 1:

Grab a pot, if you have followed this step correctly you should have 1x pot like so (yours should have handles, ours is fucked).

 

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Congratulations you have completed step 1!

Step 2:

Cover bottom of pot in olive oil like so:

 

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Step 3:

 

Grab a pinch of chilli flakes and chuck those cunts in the bottom there:

 

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Step 4:

 

Ideally dice and crush up your garlic cloves and chuck em in, or in our case grab a heaped teaspoon of minced garlic and splat that smelly bullshit shit in there like this:

 

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Step 5:

 

Dice that brown onion up and chuck it in the pot, make sure no one sees you crying to maintain bulk levels of masculinity:

 

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Step 6:

 

Open your canned peeled tomatoes and sploosh those fuckers in a bowl, then crush those cunts up with your hands of fury! Keep an eye out for any sneaky bastards who still have their skins on, these canned tomatoes were apparently made in Italy and you know wogs bro you can't trust those fuckers to do their job properly, has anyone ever owned an Italian car before? Fuck me dead cunts lift your game.

 

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Cunts fucked! That'll teach em:

 

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Step 7:

 

Chuck your stove on high, move the onions and assorted shit around in the pot with a wooden spoon until the cunts are all covered in the olive oil and cook your methamphetamines mix up until the onions go 'translucent' (that means 'clear' I think, big words I dunno):

 

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Step 8:

 

Grab your mince, break the slab up into little 'balls' (lol little balls) with your fingers and chuck em in the pot like so:

 

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Step 9:

Mix up your mix again so everything is mixed around! Onions and mince should be one and the same or some shit like that:

 

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Step 10:

 

Grab your dried basil leaves and cover the absolute fuck out of the mix, as in use SHITLOADS:

 

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The basil counteracts the acidity of the tomatoes.

 

Step 11:

 

Mix up mix again:

 

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Step 12:

 

You'll notice the mince is sorta going this brown colour and there is water coming out of the mince, we're going to keep cookin' this cunt until it mostly evaporates (also pre mix photo but it demonstrates the watery bullshit we're cooking until it fucks off):

 

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Step 13:

 

Once the water is mostly evaporating, grab the bowl with your crushed tomatoes and plop that acidic vegetable of DEATH right into the mix, then mix it all up again:

 

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Mixed like a fucking champ:

 

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Step 14:

 

Grab your passata and pop her open and pour it in and mix the fucker up again:

 

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Mixy mix:

 

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Step 15:

 

Take note of the level of the mix on the pot, this is important because we're simmering this tasty cunt up for 3 hours.

 

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Step 16:

 

Fill your empty passata jar with water and add it into the mix and mix it in.

 

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Step 17:

 

We need to finally add our salt, fill the wooden spoon to the brim with salt like so (this makes for strong wogs, high blood pressure is like hydraulics bro!):

 

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Step 18:

 

Mix in the salt

 

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Step 19:

 

Chuck the lid on the pot, we're still cookin' this cunt on high and we need to bring it to a boil:

 

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We're sorta half boiling:

 

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Now we're boiling (fuck me!)

 

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Step 20:

 

Move this fucker over to the lowest simmer point on your stove, and keep the lid a little open so it can vent out the steam, you need to mix it up every 20 minutes and we're going to simmer on LOWEST HEAT POSSIBLE for AT LEAST 3 hours.

 

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Step 21:

We need to kill a few hours and mix our mix up every 20 minutes:

 

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We require our optional Fleshlight OR Kleenex for Step 21.

 

Yes, I am sick of all the 'step mom' and 'step son' clips appearing all over the hub like an epidemic, thanks for the tip!

 

Well that killed a good 30 seconds!

 

Step 22:

 

Keep an eye on the level of the mix in the pot, when the water is evaporating to step 15 levels, we're going to have to add a little more water into it to bring it back up and simmer it back down to approx the same point, it depends on how low you can simmer on your stove, ours is fucking fail and AIDS so it can't go as low as our old one so we require some extra water.

 

Once she's cooked on low for 3 hours it's good to go:

 

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Step 23:

 

Grab another pot, one with handles this time and fill the fucker with water (preferably from the tap, so you don't get dysentery, unless you want to kill your guests), bring the water to a boil:

 

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Step 24:

 

Grab your pasta (this shit is from Costco, it goes alright):

 

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Chuck the cunt in the boiling water (theres 2x 500g packets in here, we're cooking extra so we all got left overs for lunch during the week):

 

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Cook it to how you like your pasta, firm or a bit more on the softer side, the longer you cook it the softer she goes (but it'll go mushy if too long):

 

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Finished product:

 

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I like pasta and penne, sometimes fresh spinach fettuccine if you can get your hands on it from a market, top it off with ground Grana Padano and it'll taste absolutely fuckin mint!

 

You can also use this recipe to do a Lasagne.

 

Flavour will vary depending on ingredients used of course, you'll get better results with minced Topside from a butcher and San Marzano tomatoes than you will with generic shit like IGA's beef mince (which is probably all the offcuts and assholes and other gross shit minced up together) and what ever is in those tomato cans off the shelf.

 

But even with the generic ingredients this goes alright and it will impress if you've only experienced the bullshit sold in restaurants.

Thanks for reading, if you enjoy this no doubt we shall meet in hospital in the near future, us wog types either kark it at 60 or live to about 125, to keep this chain going I nominate these three gents to enlighten us with their majestic culinary skills:

 

@pornorun - Our lovely ABC gent in chat, when he isn't in PP chat he is rolling the dice at the lovely establishment known as Crown Casino with his ethnic friends, the mighty PR loves some controversy, has an unhealthy obsession with my two assholes and is older than the hills themselves! Its estimated he is currently on his 250th lap of the sun, has lived through 46 different Chinese dynasties and is the only person to come out richer than he went in after robbing Crown Casino on the tables!

@tonythegreat89 - The 'evil catholic CIS-gendered racist white male' of PP (not @Mortein, the other one!) loves fake tits bigger than my ego, like the lovely @pornorun he is also a Crown Casino fanboy and loves rollin' the dice more than his own mother, he is known for the crazy overnighters and spends most of his time on Twitter retweeting pictures of food when he isn't in a massive sausage fest with 600 other dudes mining in remote Australia.
 

@Borg Unplugged - Is known to cook up a storm! Loves a night out with the lads for dinner, strippers and parlours, this legend's first thread he started on PP caused a MASSIVE shitstorm on Twitter, big enough to rival North Korea's nuclear testing! An experienced punter with many reviews under his belt, according to Twitter, the unplugged one 'hates women' more than @FrancoCozzo1935 (TA), @Bongo and @tonythegreat89 combined!

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I pictured a pig sty of a kitchen that looks very clean... :)   

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