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And so this is Christmas...


wanderingscribe

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My Dad just asked me what I wanted this year. I said, in all honesty, nothing. I've got to do some serious downsizing over the next twelve months and I can't be surrounding myself with crap I don't want or need. I won't even get the latest season of Doctor Who on DVD or blu ray (an annual tradition since 2005) because I haven't watched two thirds of it yet. I saw the first four episodes and didn't like them, so why waste money?

 

I spent most of last Christmas visiting my mother in the hospital and four days later she died. I probably shouldn't be alone as the anniversary rolls around, but that's what will most likely happen. I'll spend Christmas with the friends who've kept me afloat over the last year, and then go and see some other friends on Boxing Day if they'll have me. Beyond that I have no plans. I would like to do something, or someone, on New Year's Eve because I never have before, but I've no idea what just yet.

 

I predict I'll spend much of the holiday season at home, wondering how much longer I can stay in this house and in this country without cracking up. I have my UK trip to plan and look forward to but, even if that works out as I'd like it to and I wind up settling permanently, it'll be the same old me with the same old demons, just in a shiny new location.

 

I will not put up a tree or send cards because I'm not, as they say, feelin' it. I'm not feelin' much of anything just now and I suspect that's how I manage to carry on. The moment I stop long enough to think about what I'm doing and why, I'll freeze, fall to pieces and my brain will explode. I'm like that guy in Neil Gaiman's short story 'Bitter Grounds', who decided one grey and meaningless day to leave his shattered life behind, get in his car and drive until he ran out of world. At the end of the story he realises he's been dead the whole time. There are days, many of them quite recent, when I've felt the same. If I'm not already dead I may as well be, until the phone rings or I remember I have something to do or somewhere to be. A reason, however small, to keep going even if it's only around in circles.

 

I've tried to make my house as comfortable as can be although it will never feel like home again. In a moment of madness, perhaps the last gasp of self medication through retail therapy, I bought a widescreen HD TV that I never watch. The shelves in my living room are full of DVD box sets I bought for Mum and I to enjoy together when she came out of hospital. I haven't even opened them. I've lent them to people without really caring if I get them back because they're just things, dead layers of a skin I have to shed before I can find out if there's a new and very different me underneath.

 

Traditionally Easter is the season of death and rebirth, but the end of one year and the start of another is just as good a time for a new beginning. Merry Christmas, y'all.

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CaptainDarling

Posted

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

 

Have a better one WS. Maybe find some comfort in the arms of a beautiful woman...

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wanderingscribe

Posted

Maybe find some comfort in the arms of a beautiful woman...

 

I will do that no fewer than three times before Christmas. If Santa isn't bringing me anything, I may as well be a naughty boy.

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Go have a good punt, get some wine, put on a nice tv show/ movies, get comfy don't see what the problem is.

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Sorry about your mum.

 

I give oxfam "ducks" and other donations instead of stuff to adults. Kids get presents.

 

May peace be with you.

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Chin Up Dude. Why not go to the uk next year instead of waiting 12 months. It will keep your brain busy if you have to do it twice as quick. Make it a move with a goal like getting there while the sun is still shining. The uk can be mighty depressing in the middle of winter so go in summer. Keep punting and most importantly keep smiling.

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wanderingscribe

Posted

Thanks, all. Still taking it one day at a time and some days are easier than others. Plenty of distractions lined up to see me through the silly season.

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Scribe, I don't quite know what to say. I don't think there is anything I could say that will make much difference. Are you getting counselling from someone? (and I don't mean one of your special ladies)

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wanderingscribe

Posted

I have done in the past and found it very useful, if only as a reminder that my thoughts aren't necessarily reality.

 

Forgive me. I can be a miserable shite when I blog :).

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Don't apologise, scribe. It's great to have an outlet with like-minded people.

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I'm so glad you can share this with us Scribe.  You've given me a deeper insight into who you are and what you're going through.  I haven't lost a parent and I have no idea how I would feel/think/react.  

 

What a year for you.  I'm very happy to have played a small part in it. 

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wanderingscribe

Posted

I'm glad you have too, elle. Rest assured your role will be a recurring one. You passed that audition with flying colours as I knew you would.

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