I wrote a draft copy of this blog 2 weeks ago and have been sitting on it thinking if i should post it or not.
Femmebot has severe depression. lol
I am proud to say that i am overcoming it drug free but everyday is still a challenge.
How it all started?
A few years ago Every part of my life was perfect and all of a sudden i fell flat on my ass. Every part of my life went downhill one after the other. It just snowballed and the perfect life i had was all gone.
The thing that affected my life the most was when my mother became ill and i had to be her carer..
My mom passed away about 18 months ago and at first i was coping with it all well. Friends came out of the woodworks to offer support and i was surprised on how supporting so many people were.
Aprox 6 months after my mother passed away. Around Aug 2011 I had to put my dog down. This was when it all hit me like a tonne of bricks. I owned the dog for 16 years and it was my 8th birthday present from my mom. The dog helped me alot with the grieving of my mother during the first 6 months.
One of the last memories i had with my mom was 2 days before her death. We were laughing at my dog sleepwalking. My dog used to sleepwalk alot and the things it would do while sleeping was quite funny. Not only did i lose my best friend (my dog) but i felt like i lost the only connection i had left with my mom. My family was my mum, me and my dog. That was my family.
After i lost my dog. I basically went into severe depression. I shut all of my friends off. I switched my phone off, i stopped using my private facebook to keep in touch with everyone and i hardly went outside and when i did, it was very late at night at around midnight because i knew i wouldn't come in contact with many people.
I avoided people and avoided meeting people. Little things like doing the groceries became a very difficult chore for me and there have been days where there was zero food in the house and i still couldn't bring myself to go outside to go grocery shopping.
Around December 2011. 2 days before christmas. This was 3 months after i had to put my dog down and aprox 9 months after my mom passed. I found out my grandmothers sister who was my legal guardian when i lived in asia as a kid was in the hospital and died. At this point i was already shut off from everything so the news didn't make it any worse as i was already at my lowest point.
In January of this year My neighbors in my apartment building called the agent to say that my mailbox is full and that they were worried about me because they haven't seen me at all.. Then the agent got worried and called the cops to come check up on me. How embarrassing.
That's basically been my life for the last 18 months. I can't remember the last time i went out with a friend or even went out to have fun. It was probably over 12 months ago.
I have kept all this to myself and i have never told 1 single person about how i felt or what i was going through.
2 months ago in August 2012. I finally decided to seek help. I started calling lifeline once every 2 days just to talk to someone on the phone about it. I have felt a little better and I have felt that tasks seem not as difficult to do. I am determined to be my normal self again.
It has affected and consumed so much of my life. All this Has affected my friendships, my working life, everything.
An example was 2 weeks ago i found out my BFF from when i was 12-20 yrs old got married and she didn't even invite me to her wedding. We never had a falling out and we have kept in touch. After my moms death. She reached out to me and kept asking me to hang out with her and she kept messaging me but i kept pushing her away and i guess i kept telling her yeah we'll have coffee but nothing ever gets arranged cos to be honest i just wanted to be in my own cocoon. She invited people to her wedding who weren't even friends with her in high school but not me. It wasn't till about 2 weeks ago when this happened that i realized just how much depression can affect my relationships and friendships.
Although i have been doing much better in the last 2 months. In the last 2 weeks, i have fell back into depression mode as i realized i basically have lost majority of my friends because i pushed them all away. It's started to make me think. What's the point of even trying when people don't see how hard you are trying?
I am looking forward so much to 2013 as i really hope that i can be my normal self again. I have huge plans.
- I have decided to give my dad a chance and to finally meet him and my half siblings this christmas. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad in 15 years since i was 10 yrs old. He lives in Sydney but we just never speak or seen each other. I have a half sister who is 15 who looks like me. I still find it sooo weird that there is someone out there in the world who looks like me. lol
- I am going to spend 2 months with my grandmother overseas early next year.
- I have plans to expand my business and take on a new business by this time next year.
Even though iam doing better now and have all these positive huge plans in place. It's still an everyday battle. There have been times like in the last 2 weeks where i felt super depressed again.
I don't know why i decided to publish this blog. I guess i just want to show people that sometimes a cool exterior doesn't always show that someone's life is great.
This is the reason why i enjoy making people smile and why i enjoy trying to do silly things to make people laugh (sometimes unsuccessfully) because i know that you don't really know what someone is going through.
I am proud to say that i never once turned to drugs, alcohol or harming myself as i do have high morals within myself that i would never ever cross.