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Overcoming Depression, An everyday battle


FemmeBot

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I wrote a draft copy of this blog 2 weeks ago and have been sitting on it thinking if i should post it or not.

Femmebot has severe depression. lol

I am proud to say that i am overcoming it drug free but everyday is still a challenge.

 

How it all started?

A few years ago Every part of my life was perfect and all of a sudden i fell flat on my ass. Every part of my life went downhill one after the other. It just snowballed and the perfect life i had was all gone.

 

The thing that affected my life the most was when my mother became ill and i had to be her carer..

My mom passed away about 18 months ago and at first i was coping with it all well. Friends came out of the woodworks to offer support and i was surprised on how supporting so many people were.

 

Aprox 6 months after my mother passed away. Around Aug 2011 I had to put my dog down. This was when it all hit me like a tonne of bricks. I owned the dog for 16 years and it was my 8th birthday present from my mom. The dog helped me alot with the grieving of my mother during the first 6 months.

 

One of the last memories i had with my mom was 2 days before her death. We were laughing at my dog sleepwalking. My dog used to sleepwalk alot and the things it would do while sleeping was quite funny. Not only did i lose my best friend (my dog) but i felt like i lost the only connection i had left with my mom. My family was my mum, me and my dog. That was my family.

 

After i lost my dog. I basically went into severe depression. I shut all of my friends off. I switched my phone off, i stopped using my private facebook to keep in touch with everyone and i hardly went outside and when i did, it was very late at night at around midnight because i knew i wouldn't come in contact with many people.

 

I avoided people and avoided meeting people. Little things like doing the groceries became a very difficult chore for me and there have been days where there was zero food in the house and i still couldn't bring myself to go outside to go grocery shopping.

 

Around December 2011. 2 days before christmas. This was 3 months after i had to put my dog down and aprox 9 months after my mom passed. I found out my grandmothers sister who was my legal guardian when i lived in asia as a kid was in the hospital and died. At this point i was already shut off from everything so the news didn't make it any worse as i was already at my lowest point.

 

In January of this year My neighbors in my apartment building called the agent to say that my mailbox is full and that they were worried about me because they haven't seen me at all.. Then the agent got worried and called the cops to come check up on me. How embarrassing. :blush:

 

That's basically been my life for the last 18 months. I can't remember the last time i went out with a friend or even went out to have fun. It was probably over 12 months ago.

I have kept all this to myself and i have never told 1 single person about how i felt or what i was going through.

 

2 months ago in August 2012. I finally decided to seek help. I started calling lifeline once every 2 days just to talk to someone on the phone about it. I have felt a little better and I have felt that tasks seem not as difficult to do. I am determined to be my normal self again.

 

It has affected and consumed so much of my life. All this Has affected my friendships, my working life, everything.

 

An example was 2 weeks ago i found out my BFF from when i was 12-20 yrs old got married and she didn't even invite me to her wedding. We never had a falling out and we have kept in touch. After my moms death. She reached out to me and kept asking me to hang out with her and she kept messaging me but i kept pushing her away and i guess i kept telling her yeah we'll have coffee but nothing ever gets arranged cos to be honest i just wanted to be in my own cocoon. She invited people to her wedding who weren't even friends with her in high school but not me. It wasn't till about 2 weeks ago when this happened that i realized just how much depression can affect my relationships and friendships.

 

Although i have been doing much better in the last 2 months. In the last 2 weeks, i have fell back into depression mode as i realized i basically have lost majority of my friends because i pushed them all away. :( It's started to make me think. What's the point of even trying when people don't see how hard you are trying?

 

I am looking forward so much to 2013 as i really hope that i can be my normal self again. I have huge plans.

 

- I have decided to give my dad a chance and to finally meet him and my half siblings this christmas. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad in 15 years since i was 10 yrs old. He lives in Sydney but we just never speak or seen each other. I have a half sister who is 15 who looks like me. I still find it sooo weird that there is someone out there in the world who looks like me. lol

- I am going to spend 2 months with my grandmother overseas early next year.

- I have plans to expand my business and take on a new business by this time next year.

 

Even though iam doing better now and have all these positive huge plans in place. It's still an everyday battle. There have been times like in the last 2 weeks where i felt super depressed again.

 

I don't know why i decided to publish this blog. I guess i just want to show people that sometimes a cool exterior doesn't always show that someone's life is great.

This is the reason why i enjoy making people smile and why i enjoy trying to do silly things to make people laugh (sometimes unsuccessfully) because i know that you don't really know what someone is going through.

I am proud to say that i never once turned to drugs, alcohol or harming myself as i do have high morals within myself that i would never ever cross.

26 Comments


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Thank you for publishing this.

 

I never reached your depths, I had to overcome a low point in my life. I notice you never resorted to harming yourself. I wish I could say the same thing.

 

We have never met, but my opinion of you has gone up.

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HollyInGriffith

Posted

great blog.. a hard one to share... but i think you got your dates wrong.. we havent reached 2013 yet :/

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great blog.. a hard one to share... but i think you got your dates wrong.. we havent reached 2013 yet :/

 

 

Ooops thanks holly. i've edited it. lol

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I have had my brushes with the black dog as well. Some people around me think it's only cause of my struggle to find a relationship with a woman but that is only part of it. It got to a point back in 2007 where I even thought about taking my own life.

 

The last 5 years have been a bit better but in the last month or so I have been feeeling I've been on the slide for the last month or so. My grandfather passed away a month ago, whom I'd always been close to but in particular in the last 3 years or so when I had been almost acting as a defacto carer for him and my nan.

 

I went to see him in hospital on Fathers Day, little did I know that that would be the last time I'd see him alive. It was hard having to put on a brave face at work for a week. It was this combined with shit at work where I'm starting to question if the honchos at head office really give a flying fuck about the welfare of their staff.

 

So I do feel your pain

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Femmebot, it's odd that sometimes it's easier to talk to complete strangers about problems than it is to your best friends. I believe your true friends will still be your friends when you are ready to reach out to them, especially once they know how you have been struggling. It's good that you are making plans and have a focus, I wish you all the best for the new year, and offer my support for your struggle.

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I was so moved by your story and i sincerely wish you all the best in your daily struggle

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Hi Femmebot

Thank you so much for sharing this.

 

Don't be hard on yourself, losing a parent is always tough and i totally get the point about losing your dog soon after being the turning point.

 

My dad used to write me a cheque every year for my birthday. Nothing big, just $100 or something, but always. Every year (and he's been gone for 10 years now) I miss the card and cheque from him. It's not the money, it's that he's gone. I'm not even fussed about money it's just one of those moments you know things won't be the same

 

For about a year after he died I hated everyone. On sight. I remember waiting for a friend at a train station and watching everyone walk past on their way out or to meet friends (it was an evening) and I hated them all. I think i hated them being happy and not knowing what death meant. I was a big dark cloud that affected everyone around me.

 

I lost my job, smoked weed alone most every night, lost a few friends (they'd been great when he died but just seemed to assume that life goes on as normal after a few months. It does not.) I didn't get as low as you and was in a relationship with someone who'd lost her dad the year before, so we came through together.

 

You've done the right thing to seek professional help through Lifeline. Lots of people have been through depression before and come out the other side.

 

I'd also suggest you get a referral from your GP to a psychologist or social worker or OT. you can do it through Medicare which covers most of the cost. You don't even have to tell your GP what it's about, just say you have some anxiety issues and want to see someone, or if you want to be more honest tell your GP you still miss your mum and think seeing someone professional would help. Any worth anything will do the referral and then you'll need to find someone to help you. PM me if you want to know more, i'd be happy to point you in the direction of info that can help you.

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Thanks for sharing your story. Whenever I feel depressed or at times when things doesn't go my way, I find taking a walk outdoor especially if the sun is up helps a lot. So you might want to give that a go, sunshine seems to help make one feel better especially now the weather is warming up.

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Wow!

 

What a brave lady to share this.

 

It is such a destructive illness.

 

I wish you all the best on your road to recovery!

 

Good luck!

 

Ps: please keep posting as I love your comments and find them hilarious!

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Thank you everyone for all the positive replies. Makes me feel a little better.

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I too have experiences like this within my family.

 

Much Respect to you Femme

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Dear Femmebot,

 

Your courage in coming out with something so deeply personal is inspiring, and after everything that's happened, you still have your head up high and fighting. Keep fighting, because you WILL find happiness again - and this can be a great example to others who are also suffering from depression.

 

Particularly touching is the fact that you try and make others happy despite your tribulations, and that shows that you're generous and kind hearted - and the world needs more people like this.

 

As cliche as it sounds, everything that happens in life has a wisdom behind it. Life is beautiful and exciting, and the tests we go through only make us stronger and more mature so that we can experience more of the beauty and excitement that life has to offer in the future.

 

You have our support on this challenging journey, and I wish you all the best with seeing the folks in Sydney. There's nothing better than family :)

 

Terius.

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Femme brave to write this but I feel it must have been something you needed to do even if you didn't know it.

 

Fight on you are doing well.

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Thank you, FB for your that. It was very brave of you. From my own experience I understand some of what you're going through. Although, luckily I've never suffered severe depression.

 

I say that to let you know that you are not alone and offer my voice in support. You do what you need to do and stay healthy.

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very brave of you to write about this femme, I'm still not able to talk about my problems.

i know how hard it is, for me at least to talk about these things, so major props for talking to someone and hope all ends up well with you :)

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FB,

 

I can make you feel better ;)

 

Call me :rolleyes:

 

AR

 

 

ps. Two minus equals to one plus :)

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Only those who respect one's need for solace are friends. Those who don't understand and respect your methods, are not friends.

A girl once profoundly said to me, " I have seen all the colours of the rainbow".

It wasn't until early last year, that I understood what she meant by her comment.

For 2 years, I wasn't and couldn't be the usual "life of the party" type person which I normally was.

Death is inevitable and I have prepared myself for the deaths of all those around me, and several passed away in their 40s (true friends with whom I went to high school and university and our relationships were of the utmost honesty) and my father passes away recently .

I think about them all- everyday and often my eyes swell. But today I also produce the biggest smiles when I reminisce about them- they helped shape me and were great fun.

I haven't stepped on a land mine nor have cancer (yet!! to both)

And i do consider the starving children of the world and their sad and miserable parents who will never find a cause to smile.- my father was a salt of the earth type guy and he worked hard and every day for him was a survival game and had little time to reflect on his own sad fallings- and he had many.

You have your health and your honesty, so be greatful to yourself n smile often - about yourself. Others, like yourself, will be attracted to you, and you will always be happy.

Good things must come to an end, so focus on the positives from those you have lost and your heart will smile forever, and don't let them down, for they would expect you to go on in life , with assertiveness and strength , whilst proudly remembering the loving relationships you experienced with mum and pet dog- that will always cause them to be happy where from they watch over you.

Life is beautiful, and the grieving process will eventually re-enforce your happiness.

Freedom and health you and I have- unlike many, and wishing you much happiness in the near future.

Oh, n lifeline are great, and i donate to them yearly.

More funding for organisations such as them.

 

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Depression is very much understood. You must realise also that it is a chemical thing, therefore seeking help by way of counselling and the right medication is important.

Obviously, a lot of unhappy things have happened in your life which had a major contribution to your state of mind. However, at the end of the day, it is all up to you to put your own hands on the steering wheel of your life.

Get a piece of paper, draw a line in the middle. On the right hand side, put down your problems that you CAN'T do anything about, on the right hand side, put down the problems that you CAN do something about. Go through the things you can't do anything about, lament over them and resign to the fact that there's nothing you can do to resolve them...............then dismiss them, because nothing you can do about them.

With those problems you CAN do something to resolve them, take the courage to resolve them one by one, whether it means having to apologise to someone, confronting someone who has hurt you and by their reaction, forgive them or just simply remove them from your life.

You are a worthy person. You don't need to put up with shit from anyone. Forgive those who have hurt you unintentionally. Ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt.

There's is so much crap happening around us. There so many people who are in a worse position than us or have more crap that has happened in their lives.

Count your blessings which I'm sure there are many. Treat those bad things as lessons in life and move on.

Death is a very, very bad place to be in.

Life is evolving, enriching and only YOU can make it better.

Take some time off from the bad environment that has hurt or disappointed you. Go overseas, Asia etc, be totally anonymous and rediscover yourself and learn to respect and love yourself again. Make new friends and most importantly, enjoy the simplest of what life has to offer.

Sorry, don't mean the lecture. But I have been in your space and have now emerged from that to be a happier person, loving life, people and each day is a new adventure.

Take good care of yourself.

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The loss of family is always a tough road to walk. I lost my grandmother [who practically raised me] then my mother 3 months later, at this time I was going through my first marriage seperation, 9 months later just as things were starting to look up my Dad passed. So in a total of about 12-16 months I lost my whole family!! So FB now you know where I get that soft spot I show every now and then. Very brave of you to tell all about your world but telling can assist in the healing process. I overwhelmingly wish you well.

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Thank you Femme for this very personnel blog.

I have never met you, but you have gained much respect,

please keep fighting on.

At the moment I too am heading down this road... Pushing to many good friends away.

Also I live by myself and finding way too easy to spend day after day by myself. I need to change this.

Please Do take care of yourself. Hopefully one day we shell meet…

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Femme thanks. i concure with everyone in what they have said.

i would love to meet you one day as i think you are someone worth meeting n love your posts. they make me laugh n think.

keep smiling n take one day at a time

BIG HUG Elmo

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FemmeBot, good luck with Christmas. I hope it goes well for you. Have courage. things will come good.

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