Reflections on the last year.
Entry posted by Hilksha
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Well, people of Punter Planet. With this blog entry I intend to share some of my thoughts and my experiences of the last year and a bit.
When I began in this world I never for a second could have imagined what the following 15 months would hold for me. When I look back and reflect I see just how wonderful and truly amazing a journey it has been. I’ve met people whose life experiences have been so completely different to mine, I’ve shared with women things that I never thought I would tell anyone… I’ve always lived a very sheltered existence growing up as the son of a pastor, and being homeschooled for the majority of my education. And a few months past my 19th birthday my world changed forever.
First, I consider myself very lucky to have had the experiences that I have. I won’t name names as those who have been a big part of my life and are reading this know exactly who they are.
I could not have imagined the kindness that would be shown to me. And I truly appreciate that beyond words. I can honestly say, the kindness I’ve experienced has saved my life.
Now, some wonder whether punting is addictive. My personal answer: Yes. But it’s not the sexual aspect I’m actually addicted to. Yes, the sex is a very big part of what I enjoy, but for me, a purely sexual encounter, without an emotional connection, leaves me feeling hollow. I need the connection on a personal level, or just on some level, and that is what I’m addicted to.
In my personal life I am always stressed about one thing or another and there is never a moment I feel calm. I get depressed, anxious, panicked… and have been like this for as long as I can remember. But in the bookings, when I’m with a beautiful woman who is listening to me, sharing with me both their mind and their body, all the fears of everyday life melt away into nothing and they cease to exist. It’s that feeling that I’m addicted to.
I’d intended to quit punting but I know that I just can’t. I’ll just need to book much much less frequently due to my change in circumstances. Which sucks but there’s really no choice involved in the matter unfortunately. But to quit cold turkey would just kill me, I need it, I crave it, I can’t live without it. I can’t go back to having nothing.
Next, love. Love is a concept that some do not believe even exists anymore. I don’t agree. I really think I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic at times, some say old-fashioned in my ideals and I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I’ve often wondered at the concept of “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Having always experienced nothing but rejection in the field of love in my life I used to hate this phrase. But now, I understand it, and see it’s truth.
I long for the day when I look lovingly into a woman’s eyes and see love reflected back at me for that shall be a glorious day in my life, and one that I ache for with all my being. And when that happens I will do everything in my power to show her how much I appreciate her every possible moment that I can. And in that sentence is a statement that truly reflects the progress I’ve made this last year. I now believe that that day will come. I no longer have that hopeless despair that used to be there.
For a long time I had someone special in my life, and I always knew that what I was experiencing was incredibly special. But sometimes it’s not until you loose something that you can truly appreciate what you had.
So the only advice that I can really give is, when you have something special, cherish it, and NEVER take it for granted because if you loose it… knowing you didn’t take every single second to fully appreciate it will kill you.
So, to end, to everyone, thank you. I often think that “Thank you” is the most simple way of getting across your appreciation. Sometimes you can just forego all the fancy lingo and the grand phrases, and just say two simple words that accurately put across everything you need to say: “Thank you.”
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