Ok I'm alone and pissed off about it and just about everything else in life at the moment.
Day after day after day it's the same thing, no friends, no partner. I've tried everything and nothing, work sucks, even the FUCKING Olympics suck.
The thoughts in my head are not positive, I try to change them and they take over destroying everything, a nice guy with nothing positive going for him, that's me. I've tried to be a bastard but I cant do that right because I worry too much about what I did. The voice keeps saying, "you can't do that why try" So I don't.
You have no idea how it feels, trapped with no light shinning through and if a glimmer peaks through it gets snuffed out. I am talking to someone about this but the more I bring it up the more I tend to think about it and the worse it gets.
The only ones who listen or seem to give a shit are the ones I pay, Dr's and WL's, that is a sad comment on my world and a bit of an insight to how I feel.
Is it better to keep going this way or do something drastic? I don't know, I do know this however that after 44 years I've had enough and I've hit the wall. The only times I have a slightest bit of pleasure is with a wonderful WL but even that is starting to wear off and punts are becoming longer between times of having them and as i said before it's paid for not genuine.
You know what really pisses me off is the the fact that I'm feeling this way and I don't drink/ smoke or do drugs to change things for a short time at least. I want to just let go and get off my face but the brain wont even let me do that. All that it lets me do is eat bbq shapes, how pathetic am i?
I'm worried that at some stage it will get the better of me and that's it, weeks will pass before anyone even knows I'm missing. I have gone through periods of weeks where I have not spoken to anyone and no one has contacted me
Words seem meaning less to me at the moment, I've heard it all before. A genuine hug, a kiss would mean more to me than anything but how do I know it is genuine? How do I know if people care, friends don't and no offense WL are paid and only know you for a couple of hours. so where do I go from here? Who knows, I hope forward but other options are looking good at the moment.